Thursday, December 9, 2010

Counting down

We're literally counting down the last few weeks until Connor's last Chemotherapy treatment. He on the other hand is counting down the weeks before Christmas. "18 days", he told me the other day, "One week is 7 days, so that makes 2 weeks plus 4 days!! (I think that sounded like a "shorter wait" to him).
After waiting for so long to "finish" treatment I figured I would be hyper-focused on that final day, my bags packed ready to go.. but in reality I'm not quite there yet. I feel the excitement from other's around me, so many people are counting down Connor's last Chemo day with us (I appreciate their enthusiasm so much), and I had been questioning myself, why I'm not exuding the same sense of enthusiasm?
Of course I am so proud of my son, and what he has accomplished. How brave he has been, how patient, and trusting he is. I am ecstatic that he will be finished going through the physical process of receiving treatment, and all the effects that come with it. I'm excited we won't have to plan "life" around a few days a month that his counts are high. I'm looking forward to my husband not using all of his Vacation Days for appointments. I'm excited about all the things we've been holding back from during treatment to keep Connor healthy: seeing friends and family, and traveling (I even miss that dreaded Chuck-E-Cheese). The one thing, I've realized, I was hesitant about.. was the unknown. What WILL things be like after treatment? What WILL life look like for us?
Then I look at my son... and I realize it really doesn't matter. My best day is going to be today. My best times are still going to be happening right now, in these hours, these minutes, and these seconds of my life, regardless of what will happen tomorrow, or next week, or next month.
I can't be hesitant about the unknown, I need to continue moving forward, or I will miss out. So, we will be celebrating on the 22nd, in 8 days (Or 2 weeks if you would prefer!) and we will be celebrating the moments up until that day, and we will continue to celebrate well into the future.

I will be facing the unknown head on (just like everyone else), but instead of being hesitant about the unknown, I will be looking forward to the positive moments that will be awaiting me. The moments to celebrate, the moments to remember.
A little story worth telling:
We were doing our bi-weekly grocery shopping. It was pretty ordinary for us, I was manning the cart and the list and Greg was pushing Connor in his wheelchair. The boys run around the store "on quests" to find items on the list. On a trip down one of the isles there was a little girl (about 4, naturally inquisitive of course).
She came up to Connor "Hi", she said "What happened to you?".. "Oh nothing..... ", said Connor downplaying her question, "It's just Cancer".